Hot mess mom

I really am a hot mess mom. At least I feel that way on the inside. I have not had a solid nights sleep in over 4 years. Oh yes. FOR REAL. Talk about real life problems. Not only am I trying to stop nursing my now 2 year old, I have overactive bladder, nocturia, irritable bowel, hashimotos, and fibromyalgia. All things I could EASILY use for an excuse to not treat myself better. And then there is my love-hate relationship with food on top of my body image issues. Even at 105 pounds I saw flaws in this body I was gifted by the Grace of God. The body I was given that has given birth 5 beautiful times itself. Which proclaims to me how absolutely amazing it really is.

2 of them are adults living on their own. 1 is a few months away from adulthood but I say that lightly. He lost his dad at the young age of 14 to suicide. It has affected so many aspects of his life and although he is going to be going off to college I know he is not yet quite ready to adult on his own. Anyhow, 3 kids live with me. I live with my fiance who has graciously allowed me to stay at home with our toddlers. Some of you may think well if she stays at home…she has all the time in the world to focus on herself. LIES. ALL LIES! Apparently those of you with that mindset do not get to stay home with your own demon seed to see the real wonders of 24/7 life with toddlers. Mine are 2 and 4 and only in the last few months has it gotten easier to navigate my day.

Those of you who can maintain perfectly kept homes with toddlers…I commend you. I congratulate you. I wish to be you! (Well a little bit anyways) My tiny tornados are really good little helpers but also really good at tearing everything apart in 10 sec flat. Some days you would never even know I attempted to clean our house. Ask my fiance! And he is so tired after 12-14 hours a day I don’t even ask him to help. After all…I am at home all day right??

Let’s call the first awake hour…my coffee hour. Seems like my kids have some sort of sixth sense about me getting up because the same noises it takes him to get a freshly brewed keurig cup of coffee…causes no stirring in this house but once momma turns on the faucet to pour more water in the keurig…the calling for momma begins. All I truly want is a nice hot cup of coffee, whilst watching a recorded show from the day or night before…all before I have to start my day of toddlerhood madness. I can count on 1 hand how many times I have enjoyed my entire cup warm. Sad isn’t it? We minimize the importance of our hot cup of sunshine because at least we get to kind of drink most of it sometimes right? I don’t ask for a lot in this world. In fact, I sacrifice a lot for my family, probably too much, but 1 stinkin’ hot cup is too much to ask.

Soooo, that being said, I had to change my perspective. Easier than it sounds because at 41…you are pretty programmed in how you function at life. It takes real effort to change your thinking. It is hard to rewire your brain. But this has been my goal this new year. I need to so I can make this the most positive year of my life. I am trying to change the trajectory of where I am headed. If I can do this…anyone can. We won’t get into the details of how I know this now but I have had a pretty rough adult life purely because I was a doormat and I really allowed a lot of traumatizing things to take place. Well no more. I may need to warn you now…my filter is fading and somethings may be brash but I want to embrace my inner bitch because she is who will keep me focused. I don’t expect to change people’s lives by writing a blog but hopefully it will be somewhat entertaining and enjoyable to know that you are not alone. Hopefully some of this will be relatable. Hopefully some things I talk about will make you think. Hopefully I can get a few of you to start a new journey as well. Challenges make us stronger and lately I just want to embrace EVERYTHING with my newfound perspective. Until tomorrow…